Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Day 17, Friday 29th January (2 Days to Go (until Serious Sam))

Some good news on the old Intertubes front! I turned on my computer just now and lo and behold, two new networks have been detected! I have picked up two more networks under the names of BTFON and BTHomeHub. This could be one of two things: Somebody else has got a BT router today, and now I can see it, and it isn’t encrypted, or BT have connected our wires so we have technically got the internet, but it can’t be used because we don’t have the HomeHub thing (the one with the phone with a router stuck on the back). This means, we might, might have some tubeage before Monday. If the router turns up tomorrow in the post/delivery, I can get it plugged in and hopefully connect to some kind of network. Good times. Unfortunately, the HomeHub probably won’t arrive until Monday, when it’s supposed to. I don’t know why I would have two new connections. One for the broadband (which I’m assuming it the BTHomeHub one) but why is the BTFON one there? Like I said, it’s probably somebody else getting a new BT router.

Ahead of me lies the last great stretch, the calm before the storm, The Grand Cathedral, The Green Mile, The Long Road to Ruin, The Final Countdown, The Hall of Scalding Vats… In 48 hours time I will be living in the 21st Century again. On Monday I’ll appear in a ball of electricity, scare a trucker and begin hunting for John Connor before the T2000 Model can get to him.

These final few hours is going to be the hardest part. The fact that I can almost taste my connectivity isn’t making anything better. I can see myself going insane this weekend. I’ll visit the funhouse and experience a Linear Sequence of Scares, start chanting lines from Address Unknown and consider myself to be on the same path of righteousness as Agent Thomas. We are doing the world a service! Serial killers must be killed in the same way as their victims! ‘This looks like the work of a guy we’ve been calling ‘The Matchmaker’… Strangles young women violently and then places them in grisly tableaux with male department store mannequins.’ << That was word perfect, yo.

I thunk a thought today about Serial Killers: If I was going to become a Serial Killer, what would I like to be known as? Jack the Ripper is taken, and my name isn’t even Jack, so that one’s a no. The Matchmaker is taken and was used in the above reference… So I thought about how I would do my killing and try to get a name from that. The best method I could think of, without getting caught, would be to stab people with an icicle. By the time anyone found the body, there wouldn’t be a murder weapon because it would have melted, and there would be no fingerprints because it’s just a puddle now. My nickname would be ‘The Ici-killer’™ – See what I did there?!

I can see no flaw in this plan whatsoever, unless I was busy doing bad murders in Alaska or Iceland or something, in which case I might get caught because it wouldn’t melt.

To provide my icicles in the summer I could make an icicle shaped mold from a block of polystyrene or clay and put it in the freezer. I would have to be quick, though, because otherwise it might melt before I get to my victim, unless I carry some Liquid Nitrogen with me… This murdering business is becoming a bit of a farce.

I also watched The Darjeeling Limited, which is a great film, so I recommend gooseying that. One thing to remember, though, when Adrian Brody’s character (I forget his name) is running for the train in the beginning, you can see that behind him is just desert, but once he is actually on the train you can see that it is in a station, surrounded by other trains and a fence.

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