Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Day 19, Sunday 31st January (< 1 Day to Go (until Serious Sam))

Well, here it is. The End of the Line. New consequence machine, burn through all your gasoline, asylum overtime, never mind… The connection will happen between the two midnights. Then, tomorrow, the new router will turn up, and when I come in I will connect and enter the up-to-date world again. I can scavenge the depths of the Internet for hidden Buckethead-related gems, research the new iPad, heck my emails, buy CDs… Most importantly, have a look and think about LoveFilm accounts. My weekend has made me want to see all these films that I have heard are good, but might not be ten years old yet. DVDs are so expensive and Digital Downloads are certainly not the way forward. Not until everywhere is capable of it. You got that, Gordon? Upgrade all the pipelines first and then enjoy your HD YouTube. Let me enjoy HQ YouTube and the iPlayer before you say that your Internet needs upgrading. Its things like this that makes me wonder why Communism is generally considered on the same level as Nazism. In theory it sounds like a great idea, so why didn’t it work? If everyone was equal, and nobody had something better than anyone else, why is that a bad thing? Unless the government owns stuff that you have actually bought on your equal-wages, such as TVs, CDs, computers etc., in which case I can see it being a bad thing.

I’m going to start my own country, with it’s own Laws. The Republic of Dave Alex. The law will be based on Communism, but with adjustments accordingly. The new national currency will be Doubloons. There will be no rubbish on our TV, Radio or newspapers. Everyone will use Macs, and only Microsoft-based items approved by me personally will be allowed in. The Daily Mail will be outlawed and held in the same basket as the KKK, Charvs will be banished until they reform or die. Criminals will be treated ‘an eye-for-an-eye’, where if somebody beats another person with a stick, the offender will be beaten with a stick in the same manner. Public humiliation will replace ASBOs, where the offenders will be spanked by The Chuckle Brothers and Keith Chegwin on national TV. National Laws will be decided and voted upon by real people, not socially-blind politicians, and there will be an uprising against various existing laws implemented by the aforementioned. There will be no more pollution, no more car exhausts or ocean spillage… From now on we will travel in tubes! Get the scientists working on the tube technology immediately. Also, there will be no more money wasted on silly films for silly people. Michael Bay will be exiled, and Peter Jackson, Wes Anderson and Guillermo Del Toro will be hailed as geniuses. More money will be spent on real causes: Uncovering the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle, UFOs, Teleportation and curing incurable diseases and such. 5% of all remaining Tax money will go to the TDRS Donation page, and in return, Buckethead must tour “The Republic” at least once per year. VAT and the BBC License Fee will be abolished. Ginger beer must be made available in every drinking establishment by law, and any breaking of this law without viable reason will be punishable by Public Humiliation on National TV, and said drinking establishment painted pink. Our national flag will be a flannel, and each time it is put up it must be soaked it hot water beforehand. Finally, the NHS will be global, funded by every single tax-paying person on the planet.

I might submit this proposal to Number 10. I’ll be able to email it directly to numer10.com tomorrow. Gordon will be so blown away by it that he will instantly resign and grant me the role of PM without a second’s thought.

So that’s it. This is possibly the last entry in this diary of my journey into the depths of technology. There will be a final update tomorrow detailing the new Internet setup, speed tests, reliability… all the usual dull, nerdy business. And then it’s back to normal. Hurled back into the 21st Century so fast it will cause mental whiplash, like Japanese Tourists visiting Paris.

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